Five by Five Enterprise
by gizzmo
Summary: Five by five enterprise. Whatever the time or weather, we'll find it and deliver… well at least that's what the advert says.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, **_**Buffy the Vampire Slayer **_**belongs to Joss Whedon**

**AN: this is my first fic so um any comments are welcome. If its really bad I'll just go back to my hermit hut… um **

**/ phone convo **

**'' thoughts**

Five by five enterprise.

Whatever the time or weather, we'll find it and deliver…

"Oh come on!" The red head panted as she attempted to run down the cluttered alleyway, her shoes slipping on the decaying refuse that littered the floor, a small brown paper bound package was clutched to her chest. Looking over her shoulder the young woman didn't see the kitchen sink which was perched quite contently if not haphazardly on top of the rest of the crap. With a surprised grunt she kicked the completely innocent sink and fell forwards, forgetting about the very important object in her hands, she wind milled her arms. The parcel flew from her clammy fingers reaching maximum velocity it hit a nearby dumpster. "Oops" the semi submerged redhead said biting her lip, and looking around guiltily, rolling her eyes she extracted herself from her impromptu porcelain embrace, "love you too Mr or um Miss sink but you're just not my type, inanimate object and all, well that and now isn't a really a good time, I'm kind of at work right now…" The sound of heavy footfalls silenced the babbling redhead her eyes widened when she realized that she had ran down a dead end. "Damn you, you wooing glorified bucket." She growled as she searched for a place to hide, frantically she scrabbled towards the slightly dented package and dumpster. Muttering a hurried warning to the hulked out bin she held her nose and wiggled under pulling the off colour box with her. 'Easy job she said. I'll be right outside she said, I'll pick you up she said oh goddess I'm channeling Yoda, Faith you are so going down.'

A grumbling brunette sat down on a couch that had seen better days, to look at it a person would think that it was held together by gaffer tape and gum, in truth it was. Resting her aching feet the twenty something woman reached over to a crappy make shift table made from busted TV's and a door. The woman had begun to worry, Faith and Willow should have been back by now. Straightening out her old vintage dress she grabbed the phone she pressed speed dial, after the fourth ring a distracted Faith answered / Yo, Five by Five enterprise, Faith speaking…/ "it's Anya. Where are you two?" /two?/ "yes you and Willow." /Crap./ the line went dead. Sighing Anya put the receiver back "just think of the money…"

Saying a brief thanks to anyone listening the redhead slowly extracted herself from underneath the dripping dumpster mindful to the avoid putting her hand through the furry chicken carcass, again. Breathing relatively fresh air, she pouted before unsuccessfully attempting to brush the sticky gloop from herself and her package; in reality she just ended up smearing more in. 'I smell worse than the dumpster, eh,' she looked down at the small box in her hands 'all this for a stupid ashtray, honestly just buy a new one, well we might have to…' with one last failed attempt at vanity, she made her way back to the street, this time avoiding the over-friendly sink.

The redhead walked down deserted street looking at her grimy watch , 'it's 6.30 who in their right mind would be out at this ungodly hour, it's not daytime until at least, 14.00' she grumbled to herself. Approaching the Toyota pickup she heard her partner in crime shout out to her "hey Red what took you so long?"

"Screw you Faith" she spat. At her probably soon to be ex-friend.

The leather clad woman eyed Willow over, grimacing "not lookin' like that, hell Red. What happened, you fighting the bin men again? Cause you look wicked bad." The filthy redhead growled at Faith's comment; ripping open the passenger door she jumped in. Or at least tried, Willow missed the steep step and banged her shins on the step board. Cursing whilst Faith jumped with ease into the driver's side.

"That's not fair" Willow said to her hysterical friend, looking into the foot well she spotted the package as did Faith.

"Hell no Red, you didn't break it did ya?"

"um noooo, I er, just placed it gently down there so that I wouldn't um drop it or anything" Looking at Faith's pale face she added "honest…" at Faith's horrified expression Willow jumped into the cab causing a crunch. Wincing both girls bit their lips.

"Damn".


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: same as the last chapter. I still don't own anything… **

**AN: ok Five by Five enterprise is way too long to type, and I'm pretty lazy so um unless their saying it I'm shortening it to FBFE. **

Faith and a very smelly Willow walked through the entrance of FBFE, Faith had taken what was left of the package away from Willow. Who looked at this point pretty chargrilled. "Red did it". Faith shouted when they spotted Anya, who was at the moment being eaten head first by the offices filing cabinet; random files were thrown around her.

"Thanks, Fai" grumbled Willow as she moved to hide behind the taller woman.

"ood …. Ots o money" came a muffled reply.

"what?" Faith asked a bemused expression on her face as FBFE secretary pulled herself from the draw.

"Are you two death? Or just stupid? I said Good, now we can exchange it for lots of lovely money" Anya said her bobbed hair dishevelled making her look slightly more insane than usual.

"Yer, bout that…" Faith said dropping the chinking package down on the desk, at this Willow shifted closer to the still open doorway.

Seeing the state of the box Anya frowned "what is that?" at this Willow span round and bolted, Faith anticipating this reached over and grabbed the redhead's collar.

"You're not going anywhere Red" Faith grunted dragging the squirming girl back into the room and pushing her onto the couch.

Gingerly Anya moved over to what used to be a box and ripped it open, letting out a horrified squeal she dropped the remains of a broken crystal ashtray on the table. With a face filled with vengeance, Anya launched herself at the pinned Willow. "Your entrails are mine, witch."

With a shrug Faith stepped back and watched her two friends fight it out, well attempt to. Reaching in to her pocket she pulled out a smoke and lit it, enjoying the show. 'And their off, in the sofa is Red the eh Red and Anya the capitalist, Anya is wicked into it, look at that, the patented hair pull followed by oooh elbow to nose, that's gonna hurt.' Faith's slight chuckles were overshadowed by the screeches of the cat fight. Seeing that the tussle was starting to get a little too serious Faith stepped in. "Easy, tiger eh sss?" Faith said with a smirk "put her down ya don't know where she's been."

Neither of the fighting women heard her, Faith sighed and attempted to jump in between the two "shit, you've gota stop wailing on each other, we've got bigger fish ta fry" Anya still seeing red lashed out and caught Faith with a resounding smack, grinning Faith dived in to the fight.

-x-

Once the battered trio had calmed down their attention went to the wrecked ashtray. Desperate for her money; Anya began to rummage in a beat up crate, pulling out and flinging its contents towards the others. Triumphantly she emerged holding a recently stolen liberated grey roll "gaffer tape?"

Faith shook her head at the image of the expensive crystal hidden by tape. "Bit obvious, An. I guess we could, stick it together."

"With gum? Faith I'm not sure that will work, I mean it'll get kinda droopy, have you ever seen gum goes black well some does after a while I mean they may not like it if we screw them over, I'm sorry by the way but this is a little your fault too you know…"

"Eh no, I was thinking glue and Red breathe…" she said passing the hyperventilating redhead a well-used brown paper bag. Grabbing the bag, the redhead collapsed onto the sofa with a muffled cry. 'Spring one, Red none…'

"Oh. Yer we've got some, somewhere, I hope, do you think it'll glue?" Anya added helpfully.

"No!" A now visibly paler Willow shouted best she could forgetting that her mouth was smothered by the bag.

"Ok" the two brunets frowned at her outburst, Faith taking an involuntary step back, 'livin' the vida loco there Red, you can leave me out '

"Why?" Anya queried.

"Um I threw out the glue after Faith glued her hand to her crotch." Said Willow miserably.

Faith shifted uncomfortably before taking over rummaging from a bemused Anya. "So what do we do?" Anya said when she quelled her urge to laugh; or maybe more likely smack both round the head.

Embarrassed Faith grumbled an excuse. "Was gluein' ma shoe back together"

"And you thought; I know what fun is, I'll be strange and harm my trousers."

'What the hell?' dropping the busted up V.C.R she stood back up growling. "No… it was an accident An."

Willow by this point had regained her composure, seeing that there was another fight brewing she spoke up in true babble style "we could go by a new one, like how we did before with the switching why didn't we just do that in the first place instead of letting me get all friendly with a unscrupulously grabby sink. I mean there were taps in places no good girl should be touched, it was most concerning as I'm seldom naughty."

"That's not a half bad idea" Faith shrugged even as Anya rushed out the door. 'she must have been pretty desperate...'


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: still with the not owning of anything... **

AN: am trying to wright this over my sister's boyfriend bragging about his dark magic practises… well at least Anya will be happy about one or two less bunnies in the world. Ew. Am so grossed out I think I'll keep this one really short sorry.

Nothing got in the way of Anya and her money, nothing. Not her klutzes of friends, not that little boy on his scooter that she may or may not have ploughed off of the street, or the large group of elderly sightseers that loomed up in front of her. Figuring herself as an explorer in a dense non bunny infested forest Anya gathered more speed and raised her clutch bag readying herself to clear a path.

Just as Anya was about to make her first nuisance clearing strike she felt an insistent tugging on her leg "ahhh the little fluffer has me," spinning round Anya swiped at the probable rabid rabbit attacker.

"Are you insane!" screeched a too thin woman "leave my munchkin alone!" looking down at her attacker Anya saw that it was in fact a piggy puppy who was conveniently attached to the scantily clad woman by a poor excuse of a lead.

"you should have called it a different name as it is not a munchkin, more like a demon wanna be rabbit" retorted Anya as she began to move once again towards the $1 store leaving the other woman mortified on the street corner 'probably a communist' Anya thought to herself as she crossed the street.

-x-

Coming out of the $1 shop with her purchase Anya beamed as she reached into her purse, pulling out a rather long piece of paper and a small Argos (stolen) pencil she began to read down the list. 'What can I tick off today? Um Mr M's job. Nope, creepy pimp, nada, stalker lady, partly now I've fixed those two's mess… world domination… what Faith really? you don't mess with my list , ok any way' she continued to read through her to do list ignoring the traffic collisions that she was causing as she ambled back down the road towards FBFE's ramshackle office.

As she entered the building Anya carefully folded her paper before putting it back into her clutch purse, 'no need to let that Faith get to you my money making pretty' she thought to herself in an golem like voice. Realising she had spent way too long in the presence of nerdy Willow she squashed her inner geek and put her shoulder to the side of the door, before bumping her hip against the handle 'soon that witch will have me writing fan fiction, working for free no way.'

Preoccupied in her internal ramblings Anya didn't spot the blurred shadow behind the glass panel of the door with a final shove said door slammed open, into a slight blond who was launched across the room towards a surprised red head. "Oomph" the cry came from the new tangle of limbs.

'Crap. Look cool' putting her hands on her hips Anya looked down at the people mess "Doors are for walking through not to stand in. what do you want?"

The blond scrabbled free from Willow non to carefully slipping back down causing Anya to wince at the painful sounding crunch. "Giles sent me"

"Damn," Anya heard Faith utter…


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: as my evil plans have not come to fruition I still own nothing in the wonderful world of buffy. ):**

**AN: I have no idea if Argos is in the USA but for this story it is, mainly because it is awesome, where else can you steel so many pens and pencils? Not that I have ever done that…**

The room was silent for a moment as Faith's "damn" faded into the occupant's memories, Faith was the first to recover. "How do you know tweed?"

"Who?" the bewildered blond replied.

"Tweed." Faith said in a stereotypical British fashion. (Slow and loud)

The blond girl looked pleadingly towards the others in desperation "I don't know anyone by that name" the new comer was cut off by Anya.

"Faith doesn't realise that using real names is the socially acceptable thing to do, yet she still calls me strange." She then began to elaborate on the description of Tweed/ Giles. "That stuffy British gye, who has a constant desire to clean his glasses and say…" she lifted her hands to air quote "oh dear lord."

During the increasingly confused conversation Willow flailed about on her back trying to self-right. At most her efforts made the red head look like a tortoise on speed, thinking about it, perhaps she looked more like a ladybird who was back stranded. Anyway realising that the conversation around her had stopped; and that now she had the complete attention of the others in the room Willow pouted "a little help here"

Snorting Faith replied "not on your life Red this is wicked funny."

"I can see why we're friends" Willow spat as she regained the use of her spazed out limbs grumbling she rolled over, into the make shift table. 'Uh oh' she thought as the table wobbled towards her prone form. 'This is gonna hurt…'

-x-

The table moved in slow motion towards Willow. As Faith rushed forward to rescue her friend the precariously balanced door swayed violently towards Red, it seemed to teeter just over her cowering friend 'hold on Red, Faithy's coming' Sadly Faith didn't move quick enough; just as she made to grab the table top, the quarts crystal paper weight slid forwards causing the entire setup to crash down. 'damn.' Sending the table's contents all over the floor. "Red you dead?" she asked gingerly; forgetting the blond stranger in the room.

"Eh," came a muffled reply "can you ask me later, perhaps when you get this crap off of me. Or you know, I could sit here and continue to do my impression of a squished bug, not that I don't make a good messy smushed pile, but I think if I was a bug I would prefer to be all with the crawling free and such. I wonder what deep fried cockroaches taste like…is smushed even a word?"

Both Faith and Anya breathed a sigh of in relief at the redheads babbling 'she's fine' deciding to leave her there for the moment, the two able girls attention went back to the mysterious Giles knowing blond who at this moment looked ready to bolt.

"Aren't you going to help her?" the blond asked.

Chuckling Faith replied "Nope"

A disgruntled "Hey" came from the wreckage.

"Well that's karma for breaking the ash tray!" Anya shouted whilst waving a heavy bag manically around her causing everyone to take a large step back towards the table avalanche and Willow.

"An…" Faith laughed before taking on a serious stance. "So. How do you know Tweed?"

"I DON'T KNOW A TWEED!" the petite blond screamed as she took on a fighting stance.

"Of course you do, don't be stupid." Anya interjected causing a death glare from the blond.

"Look Rupert Giles sent me, I don't know who this Tweed is and frankly I don't care…"

"There one in the same Blondie" Faith said watching as the stranger deflated and slumped onto the free arm of the sofa. "So how do you know him?"

"He's my parole eh friend." She quickly amended "He said that Five by Five Enterprises could help me."

"That great. Did he give you our business card? It has a huge picture of me," Anya said gleefully before adding "just because he sent you, doesn't mean you get a discount." The bobbed brunet stepped over the still berried Willow and went to the filing cabinet. "What can we get for you?"

"It's that easy?"

"You tell us what you want and I'll tell you the price, then we get it and you pay just like most common trading practices." Anya nodded as she grabbed out a small brown paper file and filed the bag. 'always so nice to new clients An' seemingly lost in the wonderful world of money Anya forgot that the table was no longer in the land of living and dropped the file on it, which refused to stay on the top of the pile it slid down to Willow who complained.

"Um Anya, why do I need the item request forms, I think the, air quote, remember you friend is trapped under a fricking table form, un-air quote. Is there even a form for that? I think I might make one. Not that it would help, guys… I've got cramp…"

-x-

Anya ignored her distressed friend and fished out the fallen papers ignoring Willows pleas for help 'money, so close to the money, I can already feel it' pressing the papers against the slanted table Anya pulled out her trusty Argos pencil "so what is the order?" at the blonds silence Anya tapped her pencil against the forms causing the paper to be covered in weird as Morse code.

"You gotta speak for this to work Blondie" Faith said also growing impatient.

"Fine" Anya muttered "let's start with the easy stuff, name?"

Pause. "Anne. Anne Jones." She replied.

"Real convincing Anne" Faith laughed crossing her arms over her badly covered chest.

"The pause helped" added the hidden red head.

Rolling her eyes Anya asked again "Real name."

"Buffy Summers"

Faith smirked "That's more like it"

"Either first or last would have been sufficient" Anya grumbled crossing out the Summers woman's fake name 'at this rate I'll have to liberate another free pencil.' "Contact address or number."

"Giles house, you know it right?"

"Your contacts not his." Anya shied once again her patience wearing thin.

"Well I'm new round here, so I'm staying with Giles."

"Whatever. Description of item."

"This man" Buffy said fishing out a newspaper cutting from her pocket and slamming it on to the side of mount Willow.

"ouch, thanks for that you lot of inconsiderate harpies."

"B here was just checkin' you're still alive down there Red" Faith chuckled giving the table a slight prod with her toe.

"No thanks to you guys" she mumbled in reply.

"You could always do it yourself, you always were a slippery one Red…"

"Business now, play later you two." Anya said stopping the antics of her colleagues. 'Well at the minuet their only colleagues, they're in the way of my money' turning back to face Buffy, Anya "Ok, we can do that."

"Don't you want to know why?"

"No. that's your business not ours we just care about the money" she said offhandishly.

"Speak for yourself this is wicked ol' Tweed thinks were bona fide bounty hunters"

"Aren't you?" Buffy asked Faith.

Anya answered instead "did you not read the motto? We'll find it and deliver. Now go away and we'll call you with a price tomorrow."

"Oh, ok thanks, I think." Slightly insulted Ms Summers headed for the door.

"Come back soon" Faith purred.


End file.
